Northside Woman

Bless her heart…she’s wearing fat jeans

By MARY ANNE PAYNE
Forever-51.com

I suffer from “DunLap” disease – our Southern word for “your stomach dun lap over yer waistline.” It’s one of the special contributions your body gives you at midlife. I’ve always said that if I ever get flat abs again, I’ll get my belly button pierced.

Um, not going to happen.

I don’t think even surgery can fix my situation.

The makers of jeans today are selling products with spandex across the belly and calling them tummy tuck, slenderizing, so skinny jeans, not your daughter’s and so on. And I have invested many a meager paycheck in their empty promises.

Slimming? Yes, for about an hour. Then as the day wears on, they end up halfway down your rear end and baggy at the knees. So if you have anywhere important to go, go there first. At the two-hour mark, the bells start to chime and they turn back into pumpkins.

The first time I wore a pair, I started thinking, by 2 o’clock in the afternoon, “Wow, I must have lost weight! These things are too big, they are sliding down my rear end – Woot!”

Um, no.

Spandex stretches OUT, not back in. It can only take so much abuse.

I went back to the store (Which one? Guess. It rhymes with Cheetos.), and I asked the clerk for a refund. She tsk, tsk’ed me and said “You need to buy a size smaller than you really need because they stretch out.”

Well, stop the car Martha!!! Genius, pure genius! I am a size smaller than I thought! Bring me 20 pairs in all the colors!!

So now I’m broke, but I look better in these new inventions (for about an hour) than the boot cut Levis that I have 10 of from my skinnier days. They still fit, but produce a muffin the size of China.

Let’s call them what they are. Fat jeans. Mom jeans. We get it. Don’t lie to us. We will still buy them, false promises and all. Just like the copious amounts of skin creams we have.

So if you see me in the local store, with a pair of purple, baggy-at-the-knees Mom jeans around my hips, say hi.

Not, “Bless her heart, she can’t afford jeans that fit.”

And give me the name of your plastic surgeon. ‘Cuz my money’s now going to that fund.

Mary Anne Payne blogs because she can’t afford therapy. She has a teenager, a husband who travels, two dogs, two cats, a rabbit and some drunken catfish. Don’t ask. She writes, photographs, laughs and cooks chicken till death in the crockpot. Forever-51.com.

What would Doris Day say?

By ELEXIS HAYS
andapossuminthedishwasher.com

My favorite indulgence ever is the Doris Day movie event. Inevitably, on any given Sunday morning, there will be a Doris Day movie playing. If the day is cloudy and cold, it is almost too delicious to bear.

I get that women needed to vote, I understand equality, I fully agree that women should be paid on level with men, but ladies, ladies, oh what we let slip along the way.

There are 10 truths that can be gleaned from Doris Day. They are, in no particular order:

1. Gold lamé goes with everything. If you are wearing your husband’s T-shirt and boxers and whip on a gold lamé wrap, you can achieve a glamour level of 7 or above in an instant.
2. Every woman should own and wear long silk peignoir sets instead of the aforementioned T-shirt and boxers. Apparently, the sight of these render a man senseless and this, girls, is when you should ask for that kitchen remodel or a new car.
3. A rich, handsome man can always be reformed.
4. If one is angry, there is no need to swear. Crossing one’s eyes and blowing one’s bangs is enough to cause husbands, shopkeepers and milkmen to quake. I say, bring back the seething and the searing looks.
5. There just can’t be enough satin, leopard prints and kitten heels in our lives.
6. Periodically, men should be coming home with gifts artfully wrapped where we can just lift off the lid and the box will remain beautiful. There should be something really good in there. Really good.
7. Everyone needs a handsome, gay friend like Rock Hudson.
8. Women look great in hats. When and why did we give up hats? Can you imagine going shopping with your friend and getting a fabulous hat? Taking it home in a box? How fun would that be? If every woman went out today and purchased a glamorous hat and we all agreed to wear them, say, next Tuesday, we could change the world.
9. All the remaining problems in the world, once we bring back hats, can be solved while talking on the phone to our best friend while sitting in a bubble bath.
10. Sleeping with Cary Grant is the best revenge. Wait, that just slipped out. Well, I’ll let it stand because, um, CARY GRANT! Without a doubt, still the dishiest man ever. Ever.

These movies give me a happy feeling all day and it makes me think that we’ve gone awry somewhere. Things just seemed lovelier back then. I am longing for a big hairdo and a pastel-colored car.

My Doris has, in fact, given us many life lessons, not the least of which is why have we given up being glamorous? Today, let’s all put on our gold wraps and false eyelashes, don our heels and try out our lovely toothy smiles and see just what we can get away with.

Elexis Hays is a licensed wildlife rehabilitator who lives on a farm in Cumming with her husband Buddy (a.k.a. The Goose), daughter Amelia (a.k.a. Cricket), son Shep and WAY too many animals. Her blog: andapossuminthedishwasher.com.

I love __________

By ELEXIS HAYS
andapossuminthedishwasher.com

I just read a book that left me with an interesting idea. The man in the book left a declaration of love for his wife each and every day. Not a big “I love you, you are my soul, my spirit” kind of mushy stuff, but a lighthearted thought that let her know he noticed her.

Yesterday morning, I left one for the Goose that said, “I love the way your hands look.”  It’s true. He could be a hand model. I’ve never seen more beautiful hands but when, in our real life, am I going to look at the man and tell him that? He would leer at me or roll his eyes. Those of us with a man can well imagine the comeback comment. This was just a fun way for me to tell him that I’ve always thought he has pretty hands. He turned it over and wrote to me that he liked my cute little nose. The Goose has never, in great inebriation or in passion, mentioned my nose, especially as a “cute little nose,” although I guess it is a little cute. Today, when I was at the grocery store, my most hated of chores, I thought about this and laughed out loud in the nut aisle. It has made me happy.

To my kids, it’s hard to say, “I love your crazy sense of humor” without following it up with “but your room is no laughing matter.” It is causing me to just say something nice without starting to whine and rattle like an angry teapot about the cloud of mess that follows them around. Today, I told Cricket that I love that she loves school supplies. That kid, a junior in college, can still get into a happy twist over new pens and notebooks. She left me one that said, “I love that you don’t wear mom jeans and that you smile when you’re yelling at someone.”

This is a chance to tell my loved ones the quirky
things I love about them that make them interesting
without having to make a big lovey-dovey smushy
deal about it.

I love that the Goose says to me every day, “This is my idea of the day.” They’re not always great ideas, but I love that he has them and that he shares them. He probably didn’t know I enjoy that as I usually just say, “uh-huh.”

I love that Cricket thinks Peeps are the height of fine desserts.

This is a chance to tell my loved ones the quirky things I love about them that make them interesting without having to make a big lovey-dovey smushy deal about it. Wouldn’t it be fun if this trend took off? I’d love to tell my friends the little quirks that make me love them. I love that the Empress twirls her hair when she talks; that the Trophy Wife draws out her “s” sound at the end of a word when she’s still thinking about what she’s saying and it makes it sound more important and sort of delicious, like a cookie. I love the way the Sweet Talker says “awww” every time I mention any animal, just like I would, and gets a wistful look in her eyes, wishing she could get her hands on them.

I wish my parents were still here so I could tell them how much I love that they always held hands and that my mother’s favorite exclamations were “Land o Goshin” and “Jumpin’ Jesophat.” That still cracks me up. I love that their house smelled like Lemon Pledge and coffee.

Next month, I will start yelling about the mess again, but this month, I’m going to really enjoy all this mushy stuff. I think, in the midst of this gloomy weather, it could make everyone a little happier.

Elexis Hays is a licensed wildlife rehabilitator who lives on a farm in Cumming with her husband Buddy (a.k.a. The Goose), daughter Amelia (a.k.a. Cricket), son Shep and WAY too many animals. Her blog: andapossuminthedishwasher.com.